Etiquette & Sunnahs of Marriage & Spouses in the Quran & Sunnah

1. Marriage is built on tranquility, love and mercy.

Allah says:

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect. (Surah ar-Rum 30:21)

Lesson: Allah placed between the spouses sakinah (peace), mawaddah (love) and rahmah (mercy) — three foundations every home etiquette protects.

2. Live with your wife in kindness (ma‘ruf).

Allah says:

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرْهًا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا۟ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَـٰحِشَةٍ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا

O you who believe, it is not lawful for you that you should forcibly take women as inheritance. Do not hold on to them so that you may take away some of what you have given them, unless they commit a clearly shameful act. Live with them in the recognized manner. If you dislike them, then it is quite likely that you dislike something and Allah has placed a lot of good in it. (Surah an-Nisa 4:19)

Lesson: The command is to consort with them honourably — and even if something is disliked, Allah may place much good in it.

3. You are a garment for one another.

Allah says:

أُحِلَّ لَكُمْ لَيْلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآئِكُمْ ۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ ۗ عَلِمَ ٱللَّهُ أَنَّكُمْ كُنتُمْ تَخْتَانُونَ أَنفُسَكُمْ فَتَابَ عَلَيْكُمْ وَعَفَا عَنكُمْ ۖ فَٱلْـَٔـٰنَ بَـٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَٱبْتَغُوا۟ مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمْ ۚ وَكُلُوا۟ وَٱشْرَبُوا۟ حَتَّىٰ يَتَبَيَّنَ لَكُمُ ٱلْخَيْطُ ٱلْأَبْيَضُ مِنَ ٱلْخَيْطِ ٱلْأَسْوَدِ مِنَ ٱلْفَجْرِ ۖ ثُمَّ أَتِمُّوا۟ ٱلصِّيَامَ إِلَى ٱلَّيْلِ ۚ وَلَا تُبَـٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَأَنتُمْ عَـٰكِفُونَ فِى ٱلْمَسَـٰجِدِ ۗ تِلْكَ حُدُودُ ٱللَّهِ فَلَا تَقْرَبُوهَا ۗ كَذَٰلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَّقُونَ

It is made lawful for you, in the nights of fasts, to have sex with your women. They are apparel for you, and you are apparel for them. Allah knows that you have been betraying yourselves, so He relented towards you and pardoned you. So now you can have sexual intimacy with them and seek what Allah has destined for you and eat and drink until the white thread of the dawn becomes distinct from the black thread; then complete the fast up to the night. But do not have sexual intimacy with them while you are staying in mosques for I‘tikāf. These are the limits set by Allah, so do not go near them. Thus Allah manifests His signs to the people, so that they may be God-fearing. (Surah al-Baqarah 2:187)

Lesson: A garment covers, protects, warms and beautifies — each spouse covers the other’s faults and guards the other’s secrets.

4. Ask Allah for spouses and children who are the comfort of your eyes.

Allah says:

وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

- and those who say, “Our Lord, Give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing.” (Surah al-Furqan 25:74)

Lesson: The servants of the Most Merciful pray for their families — dua is the first etiquette of the home.

1. Marriage is the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.

When some men resolved to abandon marriage, he said: “I pray and I sleep, I fast and I break my fast, and I marry women — so whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.”

2. Choose your spouse for religion above wealth, status and beauty.

“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion — so choose the one of religion, may your hands be dusty (i.e. may you prosper).” The teaching applies to choosing a husband as well: religion and character come first.

3. The best of you is the one who is best to his family.

“The most complete of the believers in faith is the best of them in character, and the best of you are those who are best to their women” — and he said: “I am the best of you to my family.”

4. Fear Allah concerning women — they are a trust (amanah) from Him.

In his sermon he charged the men: “Fear Allah regarding women, for you have taken them by the trust of Allah.” A wife is not property; she is an amanah that will be asked about.

5. Know the wife’s rights: her food, her clothing, and never a raised hand to the face.

Asked about the right of the wife over her husband, he said: “That you feed her when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike the face, do not revile her, and do not forsake her except within the house.”

6. Serve your family at home, as the Prophet ﷺ did.

‘Aishah was asked what the Prophet ﷺ did in his house; she said: “He used to be in the service of his family — and when the prayer came, he would go out to the prayer.”

7. Keep play and joy alive between you.

He raced with ‘Aishah: once she outran him, and years later he outran her and said, “This is for that day.” Gentle play is part of the Prophet’s home life.

8. A righteous wife is the best provision of this world.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “This world is all provision, and there is no provision in this world better than a righteous wife.” Wealth is spent, comfort fades and status passes — a righteous spouse is provision for this world and the next.

9. Each spouse is a shepherd — and will be asked about the flock.

“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock: the man is a shepherd over the people of his house, and the woman is a shepherd over her husband’s house and his children.”

10. Do not prevent your wife from going to the mosque.

“Do not prevent the maidservants of Allah from the mosques of Allah.” Her worship is her right, not a favour.

11. Begin intimacy with the taught dua.

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ، اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا

Bismillah, Allahumma jannibnash-shaytana wa jannibish-shaytana ma razaqtana — In the name of Allah; O Allah, keep Shaytan away from us and keep him away from what You grant us. If a child is decreed from that union, Shaytan will never harm him.

12. Accept the wedding feast — answering the walimah invitation is a duty.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “If any of you is invited to a wedding banquet, he must go for it.” Honouring the invitation shares the couple’s joy and binds the two families together.

13. The suitor may look at the woman he proposes to.

Al-Mughirah ibn Shu‘bah proposed to a woman, and the Prophet ﷺ said to him: “Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better (lasting harmony) between the two of you.” Within the limits Allah set, this one look protects the marriage before it begins.